that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
