This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
is it fun? or sober?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize