I just saw a hot homeless man
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I pour the whiskey from now on
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize