I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
You pole danced in your parka.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
