my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
My bed smells like the plague
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
