I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Sext me about skeletons
My bed smells like the plague
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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