fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
