I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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