I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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