Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I forgot how hot balto sounded
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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