If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
