DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Randomize
