So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
