Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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