they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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