Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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