she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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