I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
