Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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