She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
