I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
stop calling my apartment porn island.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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