Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
