it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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