When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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