her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize