Why does Corona taste like a burp?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
