i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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