You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
