Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
