I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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