They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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