I'm eating all of the evidence.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize