if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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