Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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