I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Randomize
