i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Randomize