remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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