Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
