Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
