I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
