dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Randomize
