By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
