I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
