Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
