Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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