my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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