turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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