booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize