ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Randomize
