I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize