6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
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