Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
