look no pants
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
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