Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
