woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
