she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize