Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize