I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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