The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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