I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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