I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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