Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
In America we eat man semen.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
