she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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