He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
