I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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