Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize