he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
