Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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