Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
