He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Randomize
