I'm so fucking centered right now
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I can tuck mytits in my pants
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
