I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
i've created a new STD.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
