Please don't use social media to get back at me.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
