you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Randomize
